An unpublished draft from Nadia's 2nd birthday....

Today you are two years old. It was two years ago that I began several journeys. First, I started school for my MSW a few weeks prior to your birth. Second and most importantly your mother and I became parents for the first time when you were born.

All journeys have been fantastic but you and your mother are the inspiration that keeps me driving to be a better man with each decision and step I take.

When you were born at 1 lb 10 oz. I was scared. I feared for your life most of your stay in the hospital. Watching you grow these first two years has made me feel like I can accomplish anything I choose to accomplish.

As you started school a week ago I was nervous as could be but your mother was confident that school/day care was the right decision for you. She was right and you are enjoying school until the end of the day when your friends leave :).

I want to wish you a happy birthday and hope you read this one day and reflect back on the journey you have already made. Your journey is an inspiration to me and I hope one day it becomes an inspiration to you as well.

You are loved by many and we will celebrate tonight and on Saturday with family too.

I promise to always let you know I love you.

Forturnate and deserving...

In looking back on a post from 2011 regarding Nadia's first bath and how much she did not enjoy it I had time to reflect on our family journey since that point.

For Nadia she has grown and grown and she now asks for baths. She loves baths and I enjoy watching her play with the shower sprayer and her toys. 

For me, I sometimes or a lot of times used to knock myself in the matter that I was not a good enough person to deserve the two most important people in my life. And a few of the people closest to me would reinforce the idea that I was not good enough over and over to me. I have since learned that I do not deserve to be treated like shit as that makes me angry and resentful. In turn it affects my behavior negatively but that is no excuse as I need to own up to my actions.

I am the right person for my place in my life and that includes Nadia. I am so grateful for her. Not a day goes by without me thinking of her when I am in meetings in New York or now at home.

All the while through this journey I knew in my heart that the path I chose was chosen for us and our future. I am sorry that many did not feel the same but at least Nadia will still have those people in her life for motivation. I will never understand how family tries to predict your failure. 

Now, what you may not realize is this is a post from 2011 that I edited to remove a person I will not speak of on this blog. Below is the original ending text of this post and it made me realize that I need to ignore the distractions in my life and really step for Nadia's care. 

The quote below was from David Woititz, a friend and man in my life who died while I was holding his hand in the mountains of northern NJ late last year.

As I looked back on Nadia's first bath I realized how I showed up during those times and I am proud of that. It was not how I drew up beginning my MSW at Rutgers but I am further along the career path and I am better for it. A man said to me once my daughter came home, "I was very concerned but I said to myself, he is the right man for that position on this earth. He's got that." Well, I can reflect and say that I did have that now but during the time it was tough to see two people I love battle and all I could do was show up. Of course this has been spun recently, but that is not what this blog is about.

Then I realized that my part of the battle was showing up. Just show up and be there. One of my cousins said to me once that sometimes you need to pickup the phone and call a person. It might just to be to listen, feel completely awkward, and not know what to say. She was right as that is what showing up is all about. Be there and listen. Advice is usually not needed or helpful but presence for me was what carried me through.

The two paragraphs above were from three or four years ago. Had I known then what I know now, I would not change anything. Divorce was not an option for me but that did not mean it was going to happen. It was thrust upon Nadia and I. It is something that I thought I would never experience again after my childhood. I feel like I lost even though I got a lot. Having lost Nadia for 150 days a year is devastating to me and it is not something I am sure I will get over for a long time. That really is the only negative for me of this divorce besides its affects on Nadia.

Shedding..... and Instagram page link fixed on the right of the blog....

As summer has begun I am in the process of shedding the additional weight I put on during the last school year. I am currently running at least three days per week and those runs are about 45 minutes long. I am certain I have lost weight but I have not weighed myself to see how much. The real goal is too feel good and that goal has been accomplished. However, that same goal needs maintenance.

Packed weekend with Luna Parc and J&J trip for some Hoboken Beer Can Chicken. 3 more tortuous nights of school with one quiz and a small part of a paper and I am done till September.

I need to get working on some weeding for our corn as you can see where we weeded that the corn has grown much higher. the corn is coming and we will be overwhelmed when the ears are ready.

Goings on...

On the eve of the one summer class I am taking this semester I choose to reflect on the past three weeks where I have had some work and no school at all.

Reflection, I really enjoy spending time with Tash and Nadia. Tash and I have been enjoying several parties and we will continue outings until the end of June. Actually, we booked every weekend to spend with friends and family over the next several weeks. Tash has been busier than I lately and has little time for jewelry making and gardening but she has squeezed some in sparingly. She is working on a new chapter of her own as well which hopefully help her find more time.

While my in laws are farming away I had some leisure time and I was given a plot of land to play. I proceeded to plant 2 lbs of corn (6,000 seedlings), and 6 lbs of dwarf sugar peas (18,000 seedlings). I am not boasting about the work I am doing. It is fun for me and I will be inundating those that know me with corn in about 70 days if things go as planned. Sorry, we will be eating all the peas… I think….

And we started working our at a local gym 6 weeks ago... very cool and exciting. I hope to shed the weight I picked up along the various towns I have been traveling through over the last year or so.

As we approach a new chapter in our lives this fall, it is exciting and terrifying for me. Tash is confident that things will work out and every time she has said this in the past she was right. So this time I agree and feel good bringing my feeling of being terrified down to mortified. Actually, I feel quite good and confident in our abilities to get things done.

Nadia is approaching 20 months old and she will actually be there on 6/9/13. Time is not flying by at all for me and I am thankful for the time I get to spend with her and Tash. Watching her grow and learn is exciting and it is fun to watch her learn two languages at the same time as well. I am actually picking up some new words as she does as well.

This week, Social Work Research II begins… and I saw the first movie Social Work Research I a while back and I was not entertained. I came out of that class knowing that I did not want to do research unless I absolutely had to… maybe this next professor will help change my stance on that. After July 3^rd, it will be 8 weeks with no school and come September the new chapter begins. I will try to post one more time before then….

Grueling journey.....

Finally, my Fieldwork Practicum I & II are complete. I thought it would not be a big deal when I decided last August that I could get up at 4:30am everyday and maintain my full time job while attending classes and trying to help at home along with the new fieldwork that I would have to complete. I did it but certainly sacrificed my health a bit in the process so I will need to begin a gym regime starting next week. Not to mention the sacrifice my family has made for me which I am forever grateful for....

The great news news is that I am getting about 20-30 hours back for my week depending on much sleep you give me back.

The greatest news is I can get back to my regular schedule of not blogging.

I had an interview for a Fellowship with Rutgers yesterday and I am hopeful I will get it but I am not sure the interview went better than mediocre. I am sure I will have an answer by the end of April so fingers crossed with the hope and optimism that maybe my judgement of myself is a bit harsh.

After the interview I got to hang with Nadia as we listened to our Bob Dylan Best Hits on vinyl. She is continuing to catch up in size and she is doing great with her languages. The Russian is coming on strong even though it was delayed at first as she spoke English first. She is now using both with the words she speaks. Her English words still outnumber her Russian words but I have a feeling that will turn around sooner rather than later.

Tash is doing well and feeling better lately too. She is working away at her job that she enjoys very much.

Tash has also begun planting her two gardens (one veggie and one to sit in and enjoy) and they both will be beautiful sights to see come May and June.

As for other planting news... the orchard has basically doubled in size with 42 trees planted a few weeks ago. Lena and Baba Nina have planted onion, garlic, and potatoes in the field so far this season. Tomatoes and other veggies are planted in door right now and will be moved to the fields at the right time.

I have 4 more weeks in this semester with two fairly large papers to write and then I am done until May 29th at which point I will take a 6 week course. After that I am done until September. After the current semester ends I will be taking a two week break from work or a staycation as some call it. I will be going to the beach and hanging around the home with Nadia and Tash when she is not working.

So, if you want to hang during those two weeks give me a call as Nadia and I can come and visit.

Lastly, I want to mention how grateful I am towards Big Brothers Big Sisters of Monmouth and Middlesex Counties and the children I worked with in their programs. With all of the adversity facing the children in many of their programs they still find time to be children and that was great to see and be a part of for the short time I was there....

A Walker Amongst Us.....

Well, remember when I posted 5 weeks to go.... I really mean it this time as I forgot about spring break.

Anyway, as some of you know Nadezhda began walking on March 8^th, 2013. Significant for many reasons besides the most obvious of a child taking their first steps as a human. March 8^th is International Women’s Day. First it will be easy to remember when she first walked because of that but second it is a major holiday in Russia.

So, you might be wondering how it happened. Well I was holding Nadia and I went to put her down for a second. As I was going to put her down she made me put her feet on the ground first and I expected her to then sit or turn around and grab my leg to hold herself up. What happened next startled me as she started to run away from me. I grabbed and then Tash and I made her practice walking for 4-6 hours. It is funny because once she did it she has improved greatly since that day. I am so grateful to have Nadia and Tash in my life. I am a lucky person. 

With my schedule being consumed with a lot of things I figured that Nadia's first steps would be taken when I was not home. However, I was lucky and I am so happy that her first steps were taken in the presence of Natasha and me.

As for me I continue to grind away through my field placement and I have four more weeks of fieldwork over the next five weeks. After that I will have about 2 weeks of school left but two major papers to write.

At the end of the semester I will have about two weeks off before I begin six weeks of a summer class and then I will be off for the rest of the summer. I must say I am looking forward to it.

Until next time… 

5 weeks to go.....

Well....

After getting up at 4:30am since September 1st and getting home 14 hours or so later from Monday through Friday I can say that the light at the end of the tunnel is in sight.

I said this to my field instructor and his response was... "Well, you have to be careful there because sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is an entrance to another tunnel."

With that said I am enjoying this tunnel exploration but it has been grueling and exhaustive.

Nadia, Tash, and I took sometime for a four day visit to Miami Beach and that was a lot of fun a few weeks ago. I have overcome my fear of flying and even though I was a little nervous I never really panicked as I have in the past. I also did not drink a bunch of alcohol to help me overcome this issue. In Miami we just laid on the beach for a day, visited an amazing botanical garden, and drove to Key Largo for no reason really.

My fieldwork ends on April 15th but my last day will be April 10th as that is how my schedule is setup.

Nadia is doing well and it is likely she will no longer be seeing her therapists after their next visits. She has made great progress and she is almost completely caught up. Any day now she will be walking as she is very close.

Well, that is it for now as I wanted to keep in line with my blogging schedule of every six months or so.