In looking back on a post
from 2011 regarding Nadia's first bath and how much she did not enjoy it I had
time to reflect on our family journey since that point.
For Nadia she has grown
and grown and she now asks for baths. She loves baths and I enjoy watching her
play with the shower sprayer and her toys.
For me, I sometimes or a
lot of times used to knock myself in the matter that I was not a good enough
person to deserve the two most important people in my life. And a few of the people closest to me would reinforce the idea that I was not good enough over and over to me. I have since
learned that I do not deserve to be treated like shit as that makes me angry
and resentful. In turn it affects my behavior negatively but that is no excuse
as I need to own up to my actions.
I am the right person for
my place in my life and that includes Nadia. I am so grateful for her. Not a
day goes by without me thinking of her when I am in meetings in New York or now
at home.
All the while through this
journey I knew in my heart that the path I chose was chosen for us and
our future. I am sorry that many did not feel the same but at least Nadia will
still have those people in her life for motivation. I will never understand how
family tries to predict your failure.
Now, what you may not
realize is this is a post from 2011 that I edited to remove a person I will not
speak of on this blog. Below is the original ending text of this post and it
made me realize that I need to ignore the distractions in my life and really
step for Nadia's care.
The quote below was from
David Woititz, a friend and man in my life who died while I was holding his
hand in the mountains of northern NJ late last year.
As I looked back on
Nadia's first bath I realized how I showed up during those times and I am proud
of that. It was not how I drew up beginning my MSW at Rutgers but I am further
along the career path and I am better for it. A man said to me once my daughter came
home, "I was very concerned but I said to myself, he is the right man for
that position on this earth. He's got that." Well, I can reflect and say
that I did have that now but during the time it was tough to see two people I
love battle and all I could do was show up. Of course this has been spun recently, but that is not what this blog is about.
Then I realized that my
part of the battle was showing up. Just show up and be there. One of my cousins
said to me once that sometimes you need to pickup the phone and call a person.
It might just to be to listen, feel completely awkward, and not know what to
say. She was right as that is what showing up is all about. Be there and
listen. Advice is usually not needed or helpful but presence for me was what
carried me through.
The two paragraphs above were from three or four years ago. Had I known
then what I know now, I would not change anything. Divorce was not an option
for me but that did not mean it was going to happen. It was thrust upon Nadia
and I. It is something that I thought I would never experience again after my
childhood. I feel like I lost even though I got a lot. Having lost Nadia for
150 days a year is devastating to me and it is not something I am sure I will
get over for a long time. That really is the only negative for me of this
divorce besides its affects on Nadia.
